Mom, you need to Downsize

Here at Homezone we do a lot of research on various neighborhoods and properties that are appropriate for Empty Nesters. Of course everybody is somebody's baby...and our age 40+ Empty Nester clients often hire us to look into residential options for their age 70+ parents.

If you want to star in your own version of Family Feud, ambush an Elder with an unsolicited report from a presumptious stranger about aging in place. Better yet, arrange a face-to-face family meeting in the Elder's dining room and have the presumptious stranger ask nosy questions and present a dossier of floor plans. "Is she married to the mortician?" was one unforgettable bon mot that was tossed by an ambushed Elder.

Here are some tips in approaching conversations about lifestyle and the home with Elders that have helped me through the prickliest of client meetings. Standard caveats here - -not everything works for everyone - -but here's my high level road map.

1. Be fluent in the lifestyle perspectives that are top of mind to your elders. Reading lifestyle posts in Time Goes By and Aging Hipsters is my approach.

2. Use language that is open, honest and direct. For instance,

"Mrs. X, I am an expert in lifestyle provisioning. It's a new approach to how we enable our homes as we age. Your daughter has hired me to share my expertise with the two of you."

3. Get the "nevers" out and honor them as short-term boundaries to the conversation, e.g. "What are the three things you are never going to change about the way you live?" The answers don't have to be scientifically supportable. Your goal is to get a window onto the pain points for the conversation so that you can navigate.

4. Scenario based discussions are more productive than a litany of questions. "Let's talk about living at the lake...describe your day." will elicit a broader range of actionable information, faster.

5. Use visual aids, such as decision trees and project timelines, to minimize the perception and mitigate the reality of memory loss or misstatements. Avoid the downward spiral that starts with "But Mom you said...."

Finally, the setting of these early conversations has an impact as well. Our two most successful meetings (the miracle meetings, as the clients call them) were in a quiet little park at the covered picnic table area and at the conference room of the Elder's wealth manager.

Physically and mentally, an Elder's home is a sanctuary that requires an invitation, even if you did grow up there.